Crisp
Morning weather
dew on the turning leaves.
Red apples in a lunch box.
New Jeans.
Sharpened #2 penicl.
I Love Fall!
(but I miss my little girls)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I May be Frayed, but I'm still here...
I’ve got the Writing bug again. Fall and winter is Approaching and I picture myself with more free time on my hands sitting in my Living room while I type away on the Lap Top I bought Just for this very thing about 2 years ago...but have not really been using for much more than Face booking and Google Searches for Wedding ideas. There have been many changes evolving around me and I often feel that I’m just barely holding on while ‘Life Happens’. I have often referred to some people like that …they just sit and let “Life Happen to them”. I refuse to be one of those people. I don’t like the feeling I get when things are going on beyond my control. I mean, nobody really does (do they?) My youngest daughter is getting married in the spring and I am Happy-Over the Moon-Thrilled for her. I have lots of fun little projects and “To-Do’s before she Says “I-Do”. But the process of it all tires me and I’m left a little overwhelmed. It’s my own doing…my own ideas that are in my control. But I have put High Stakes on this. I want it to be all that she hoped and dreamed of. On top of the Wedding, I’m working more than I’d really planned on at this stage of my life. With Dan on the other side of the Mountain pass 4 days a week, I sometimes feel alone and afraid at night. It’s silly I know, but old haunts just never go away. So the cycle goes on with lack of sleep, over tired and can’t sleep the next night. Grumbly and headache at work the next day and still not enough sleep that night. Finally Thursday comes...and thankfuly, so does sleep. Dan is very comforting and calming to me. I couldn’t go thru any of this without him. But then again, if it weren’t for him...I wouldn’t be going thru some of this in the first place! LOL
When Kristine was a baby, a friend of mine made her a crib quilt. It was a very simple small quilt with squares, a solid soft cotton backing and was tied with yarn. She Loved that Quilt and slept with it every nap and every night. It stayed with her when she moved to her toddler bed, then to her full size bed and she still clung to it when she had the King size bed we gave her when she was in High School. The squares were frayed, some missing and quite honestly it often smelled bad. She would tuck it inside of her pillow case even when it was down to just the brown backing so that her fingers could touch it when she slept. That quilt brought her Great comfort.
When I was thinking about her frayed quilt, I was thinking of how I am so similar right now to that quilt. I’ve been thru a Lot in my Life, and have given alot. I'm starting to feel that parts of me have been ripped away. But I am still here. I still have a purpose. The past few days, I've had a little Melody in my head and these words:
“I may be frayed, but I am still here.
Though I am torn, I have no fear.
God gives me strength, he’s always near
He blankets his arms around me.”
I’ve taken Kristine’s quilt back from her and it is now freshly laundered smelling of her favorite laundry soap and fabric softener. I have hopes of re-doing the quilt for her as a Bridal Shower gift in the hopes that she will never lose that feeling of comfort.
When Kristine was a baby, a friend of mine made her a crib quilt. It was a very simple small quilt with squares, a solid soft cotton backing and was tied with yarn. She Loved that Quilt and slept with it every nap and every night. It stayed with her when she moved to her toddler bed, then to her full size bed and she still clung to it when she had the King size bed we gave her when she was in High School. The squares were frayed, some missing and quite honestly it often smelled bad. She would tuck it inside of her pillow case even when it was down to just the brown backing so that her fingers could touch it when she slept. That quilt brought her Great comfort.
When I was thinking about her frayed quilt, I was thinking of how I am so similar right now to that quilt. I’ve been thru a Lot in my Life, and have given alot. I'm starting to feel that parts of me have been ripped away. But I am still here. I still have a purpose. The past few days, I've had a little Melody in my head and these words:
“I may be frayed, but I am still here.
Though I am torn, I have no fear.
God gives me strength, he’s always near
He blankets his arms around me.”
I’ve taken Kristine’s quilt back from her and it is now freshly laundered smelling of her favorite laundry soap and fabric softener. I have hopes of re-doing the quilt for her as a Bridal Shower gift in the hopes that she will never lose that feeling of comfort.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Mother's and Daughters
I had a wonderful Mother's Day Weekend. Jen and Kristine came for a visit and Papa watched the kids Saturday while us girls went to the Women's show (donated $4 each..sort of a waste) But then we did what I really wanted to do which was the Wine walk on the Avenue. I Love shopping and exploring the downtown stores. Found a new store (Can't remember the name)that is Amazing and will give the Gilded Lilly a run for their Money. We sampled a few wines, nibbled on cheeses and crackers, enjoyed free samples of chocholates, candies and then a coffee tasting at Cafe Mela (where I bought the Saddle Rock Blend) We had a great time together and went for Pedicures after all the walking and finished our day with dinner at Smoke Blossom. Sunday was a beautiful morning at church and then Brunch at Chateau Faire Le Pont Winery. They have new Chef and I must say that I was quite impressed...as were Curtis and Kara. We all fell into a food coma and Jen and I finished off our time together watching Julie and Julia.
I've had a pretty stressful couple of weeks and even bordering on Depression. God knew what I needed and sent Two of my girls to come hang with me. Melissa called and sent some Love over the Cell phone and knowing that I will see her in a few weeks helped heal the hole in my heart that misses her. 16 Days until I introduce the Mouse to my 3 daughters, 2 son in laws, 5 grandkids and 1 son in law to be (We think) It's going to be a memorable time. I am Blessed beyond measure.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Failure is Not the Only Option!
I have been over-wrought with concern about the failures in my life. I have failed at being a Good Friend and Leader. I give in to Temptation and Gossip too easily. I don’t know How to be the Daughter my Mother needs and am running out of time to fix it. I have a Failed Relationship with the Brother I was closest to (But I won't own ALL of that) I struggle with Not being an Over-Bearing Mom and making sure that my Adult Daughters know how much they mean to me. I have become "That" Grandmother who is always late with Birthday cards now, which Sucks because it's So important to me. I am Not a Good Housewife/Housekeeper anymore and it is Driving me Crazy! I have an Amazing job that I don't enjoy. I’m just tired of working I think. I want to quit my job so that I can play house and BE a better housewife, mother, and friend. I want to be Mentor to someone. I want to have time to let someone Mentor Me! I want to learn how to Knit, Play the Piano and the Guitar. I want to travel with my husband and visit my Grand kids, Friends and Family. I want to be able to go on a Mission Trip whenever there is a nudging at my heart to do so without any guilt or concern that I can't get the time off of work. I want to finish My Book! I hate that I am such a Big Picture Person that I can’t see the Trees for all the Forest….
I have too much “To-Do” and not enough “Time”. My job gives me good money, but I have no time to spend it on the important stuff. I’m so frustrated today and have been close to tears here at work for the majority of it. I don’t want to be a Nurse anymore. I want to Just Be Me. However, any other option than working will cause a Huge line-up of Failures. Dan and I will not get all the bills paid that need to be be gone so that he can Retire in 2 years. I fear that he will be disappointed in me for Quitting. (We Johnson’s don’t Quit) But What if….What if there was something else around the corner waiting for me. Am I willing to Fail in order to Succeed?? What if Failure was Not the Only Option?
I have too much “To-Do” and not enough “Time”. My job gives me good money, but I have no time to spend it on the important stuff. I’m so frustrated today and have been close to tears here at work for the majority of it. I don’t want to be a Nurse anymore. I want to Just Be Me. However, any other option than working will cause a Huge line-up of Failures. Dan and I will not get all the bills paid that need to be be gone so that he can Retire in 2 years. I fear that he will be disappointed in me for Quitting. (We Johnson’s don’t Quit) But What if….What if there was something else around the corner waiting for me. Am I willing to Fail in order to Succeed?? What if Failure was Not the Only Option?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Places I've been....
I'm not really sure what to say, I've been so busy but have had a wonderful time. I came across this Meme from my friend Dawn and decided to take a stab and answer the questions as well. Enjoy! I Hope to be back to some regular Blogging soon.
If I were a month,
I'd be September, when Days are still long, nights are Glowing Amber in the Sky and the Remembering of New Adventures like the first day of School brought eager anticipation.
If I were a day,
I'd be Christmas Day, when we can't help but think of those we Love and are able to make Wishes come True to Young and Old.
If I were a time of day,
I'd be that moment when my eyes first open. Torn between squeezing them tight to remember my dreams, and squinting them open to the promise of a new day.
If I were a font,
I'd be Lucinda Calligraphy, at least a 12. Easy to read, Crisp but a little bit of fun too.
If I were a sea animal,
I'd be a starfish, enjoying the squeals of laughter and excitement when they found me on the shore.
If I were a direction,
I'd be west, Where the Sun sets and the Ocean Lives. The Sun and the Ocean are two of my favorite things.
If I were a piece of furniture,
I'd be a Piano, where family photos would be proudly displayed on top of me and people of all ages would gather round, plunking and playing with Laughter and Song spilling out of their beautiful smiling faces.
If I were a liquid,
I'd be the foam in a hot steamy latte on a crisp Fall morning.
If I were a gemstone,
I'd be a Large dark blue Sapphire, Smooth and Cool against the skin.
If I were a tree,
I'd be an Weeping Cherry tree, full of beautiful sweet buds of joy, but falling down towards the ground heavy with the reality that the flowers will soon fall.
If I were a tool,
I'd be a hammer, strong, powerful and needed by all.
If I were a flower,
I'd be a Tulip, coming back every Spring with new Life, new Hope and New Promise.
If I were an element of weather,
I'd be the Soft Quiet Snowflakes that Fall on a Crisp Winter Evening.
If I were a musical instrument,
I'd be a Guitar, humming with each strum of the artist.
If I were a colour,
I'd be Red, like the Sky on an October night.
If I were an emotion,
I'd be that kind of Joy you feel when you hold your Baby in your arms for the first time.
If I were a fruit,
I'd be an Apple, Juicy and Crisp, Sweet and a little Tart as well.
If I were a sound,
I'd be the sound of children laughing off in the distance. The moment that brings a smile and giggle to your own ears.
If I were an element,
I'd be water, falling down from the sky to hide the tears falling down from your eyes.
If I were a car,
I'd be a Volkswagen Beetle, cruising down the Avenue with the Windows down and the Beach boys on.
If I were a food,
I'd be a Triple Layer Coconut Cream Pie, Soft and fluffy with layers of sweetness.
If I were a place,
I'd be the Velvet Sandy Beach on the Floridian Coast, where the sand squeaks when you walk on it and your toes dig deep trying to imbed the feeling and memory into your mind forever.
If I were material,
I'd be soft white Cotton, you can smell it's softness on the clothesline blowing in the breeze.
If I were a taste,
I'd be the taste of Strawberry Lip-gloss on my 16 year old lips after I've kissed my True Love.
If I were a body part,
I'd be the left ring finger of a Woman who is still Amazed when she glances down at her hand of how Greater is her husbands love for her than the size of the much cherished diamond she adores.
If I were a song,
I'd be Amazing Grace, the ageless Truths bring us all back to the place we belong.
If I were a bird,
I'd be a hummingbird, working hard for my keep but bringing such fascination to those who enjoy my flight.
If I were a gift,
I'd be the gift of touch in a time of need to the one who wasn't even aware they needed me, and the gift I receive in return would be much greater.
If I were a city,
I'd be Paris on a Spring Day with smells of the Boulangerie and baking Baguettes await me.
If I were a door,
I'd be a Large Red Door of Next Chapters where there is no fear in stepping through it but only the Promise of a New Tomorrow.
If I were a pair of shoes,
I'd be Black Mary Jane's worn by a 5 year old who scuffs up her Mama's Kitchen floor as she pretends to tap-dance.
If I were a poem,
I'd be 'Oh the Places you'll go' by Dr Seuss, my journey has only begun.....
If I were a month,
I'd be September, when Days are still long, nights are Glowing Amber in the Sky and the Remembering of New Adventures like the first day of School brought eager anticipation.
If I were a day,
I'd be Christmas Day, when we can't help but think of those we Love and are able to make Wishes come True to Young and Old.
If I were a time of day,
I'd be that moment when my eyes first open. Torn between squeezing them tight to remember my dreams, and squinting them open to the promise of a new day.
If I were a font,
I'd be Lucinda Calligraphy, at least a 12. Easy to read, Crisp but a little bit of fun too.
If I were a sea animal,
I'd be a starfish, enjoying the squeals of laughter and excitement when they found me on the shore.
If I were a direction,
I'd be west, Where the Sun sets and the Ocean Lives. The Sun and the Ocean are two of my favorite things.
If I were a piece of furniture,
I'd be a Piano, where family photos would be proudly displayed on top of me and people of all ages would gather round, plunking and playing with Laughter and Song spilling out of their beautiful smiling faces.
If I were a liquid,
I'd be the foam in a hot steamy latte on a crisp Fall morning.
If I were a gemstone,
I'd be a Large dark blue Sapphire, Smooth and Cool against the skin.
If I were a tree,
I'd be an Weeping Cherry tree, full of beautiful sweet buds of joy, but falling down towards the ground heavy with the reality that the flowers will soon fall.
If I were a tool,
I'd be a hammer, strong, powerful and needed by all.
If I were a flower,
I'd be a Tulip, coming back every Spring with new Life, new Hope and New Promise.
If I were an element of weather,
I'd be the Soft Quiet Snowflakes that Fall on a Crisp Winter Evening.
If I were a musical instrument,
I'd be a Guitar, humming with each strum of the artist.
If I were a colour,
I'd be Red, like the Sky on an October night.
If I were an emotion,
I'd be that kind of Joy you feel when you hold your Baby in your arms for the first time.
If I were a fruit,
I'd be an Apple, Juicy and Crisp, Sweet and a little Tart as well.
If I were a sound,
I'd be the sound of children laughing off in the distance. The moment that brings a smile and giggle to your own ears.
If I were an element,
I'd be water, falling down from the sky to hide the tears falling down from your eyes.
If I were a car,
I'd be a Volkswagen Beetle, cruising down the Avenue with the Windows down and the Beach boys on.
If I were a food,
I'd be a Triple Layer Coconut Cream Pie, Soft and fluffy with layers of sweetness.
If I were a place,
I'd be the Velvet Sandy Beach on the Floridian Coast, where the sand squeaks when you walk on it and your toes dig deep trying to imbed the feeling and memory into your mind forever.
If I were material,
I'd be soft white Cotton, you can smell it's softness on the clothesline blowing in the breeze.
If I were a taste,
I'd be the taste of Strawberry Lip-gloss on my 16 year old lips after I've kissed my True Love.
If I were a body part,
I'd be the left ring finger of a Woman who is still Amazed when she glances down at her hand of how Greater is her husbands love for her than the size of the much cherished diamond she adores.
If I were a song,
I'd be Amazing Grace, the ageless Truths bring us all back to the place we belong.
If I were a bird,
I'd be a hummingbird, working hard for my keep but bringing such fascination to those who enjoy my flight.
If I were a gift,
I'd be the gift of touch in a time of need to the one who wasn't even aware they needed me, and the gift I receive in return would be much greater.
If I were a city,
I'd be Paris on a Spring Day with smells of the Boulangerie and baking Baguettes await me.
If I were a door,
I'd be a Large Red Door of Next Chapters where there is no fear in stepping through it but only the Promise of a New Tomorrow.
If I were a pair of shoes,
I'd be Black Mary Jane's worn by a 5 year old who scuffs up her Mama's Kitchen floor as she pretends to tap-dance.
If I were a poem,
I'd be 'Oh the Places you'll go' by Dr Seuss, my journey has only begun.....
Monday, December 7, 2009
It's Time
It's Time for me to post here again. It's time for me to worry less about what I Shouldn't say, and focus on what I Need to say. I think that I speak my mind too much so have been working on speaking less. I just need to speak with purpose, and kindness and Love. It's time for me to write my Story and to share it. I stopped writing for many reasons. Some was because it's painful to share hurts. It's painful to Me to see my hurts in writing. I recalled another fond childhood memory the other day. Writing will help with that as well. I stopped writing because I didn't want my daughters and others who I care about, know the pains I endured. I don't want people (especially my daughters) to have different feelings towards me or my past. I'm concerned about those who hurt me reading things and becoming angry and only hurting me more. So I stopped. But the planning of this years Spring Women's Retreat has prompted my heart to start again.
in fact, I'm going to start by sharing and speaking at this years retreat. Our theme is: "Trusting his Word...a Novel idea" It will focus on Book/Novel themes and of course the Bible. If I was to write my life story in a perfect Fiction way, how would I have written it? How would you have written yours? But the bottom line is, it wasn't my story to write...at least not then. But it is now. It's time.
in fact, I'm going to start by sharing and speaking at this years retreat. Our theme is: "Trusting his Word...a Novel idea" It will focus on Book/Novel themes and of course the Bible. If I was to write my life story in a perfect Fiction way, how would I have written it? How would you have written yours? But the bottom line is, it wasn't my story to write...at least not then. But it is now. It's time.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Songs by a Sixteen year old in 1974
I mentioned a few weeks ago about how I Love to sing. I am always thinking in Song. I make up songs, make up tunes whatever. Some are my words to other tunes, some are out of tune songs in my head. I have a song in my head today that is one of those "made up songs" by me. I wrote this song when I was about 16 years old and so On Fire for the Lord. I was handing out Tracts, Knocking on doors. Loving God and praying that the Rapture wouldn't happen until I'd asked forgivness for my sins at least one more time.
I just recently become the proud new Mommy of a 1974 VW Super Bug. It's made me a bit nostalgic for when I lived with my Foster Parents and my Dad Cash (that's his name) owned a little red bug. My Sister Linda and I would Love to borrow it and take it on as many errands as we could. This always involved "cruising" around the High School or up and down Central Avenue in Chino Ca. On more than one occasion, we left Sunday evening service in LA area early after telling my Mom Bertha (that was HER name)that we had to get up early for school the next day. Lies...all of it. We just wanted to go cruising up and down Sunset Blvd. Anyhoo..fond memories.
I don't know music notes from Adam...but here are the words to the song:
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING TO THE SUNLIGHT OF HIS LOVE,
AND IN MY HEART THERE IS A JOY FELT FROM ABOVE.
HE GOES WITH ME RIGHT THROUGH EACH DAY,
AND KEEPS ME SINGING ALONG THE WAY.
I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU HOW I FEEL!
ChorusOH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
OH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
I'M TELLING YOU THE STORY OF A MAN WHO DIED FOR YOU.
WHO GAVE HIS LIFE TO SHARE A LOVE THAT'S OH SO TRUE.
WHY DON'T YOU COME TO CHRIST TODAY,
AND LET HIM WASH YOUR SINS AWAY?
OH THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING NEW!
ChorusOH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
OH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
NOW YOU WILL WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH THE SUNLIGHT OF HIS LOVE,
AND IN YOUR HEART THERE IS A JOY SENT FROM ABOVE!
HE'LL GO WITH YOU RIGHT THROUGH EACH DAY,
AND KEEP YOU SINGING ALONG THE WAY
NOW YOU CAN TELL THE WORLD JUST HOW IT FEELS!
ChorusOH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
OH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
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