On the playgrounds of our youth we all heard the old phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
Oh how I wish that were true. I mentioned in my New Years Resolution to work on "Thinking before I speak"
It's not because I've had some Epiphany that I say stupid and sometimes hurtful things. It's because I myself have been so hurt this past year by words. I mean I could go back years and years really, but they may have a limit as to how much I can write here. However I will share with you that on my 30Th Birthday, I decided to call my Dad and try to re-connect with him. One of the first things he asked me was; "Are you still heavy?" Now keep in mind that when he had last seen me, I was at my all time low since being married. I will never have that body back. Since he said that to me...I've always viewed myself as Heavy...and have let myself be Heavy...and I think I decided that he didn't Love me because I was Heavy. his words have never left me. I had a choir director years ago comment about my voice. She didn't do it in a Helpful manner and I've felt self conscious about it ever since. I've decided that I can't sing. Which is so dang sad, cause I LOVE to sing. I want so much to be on the worship team at church but have this huge fear of needing to "audition" for it. All because of words.
Today, I was hit with some BIG words. I was told by someone that I Love so much that:
*I am a very injured person
*I am manipulative
*I am cruel
*I am hateful
Oh, there was a Lot more said than this. Stuff I can't repeat.
I am having a difficult time recovering from this. I was a victim of Physical Abuse as a child. I have scars inside and out. I've had a Step Mom tell me that she wished I was dead....and then proceed to tell me how I could accomplish it. I thought that I had gotten over all of this. Todays words have stoned my heart. I was accused of being a victim to get sympathy. I'm not a victim any longer. I don't want sympathy. Just your prayers that this relationship will someday heal.