Sunday, January 11, 2009


On the playgrounds of our youth we all heard the old phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
Oh how I wish that were true. I mentioned in my New Years Resolution to work on "Thinking before I speak"
It's not because I've had some Epiphany that I say stupid and sometimes hurtful things. It's because I myself have been so hurt this past year by words. I mean I could go back years and years really, but they may have a limit as to how much I can write here. However I will share with you that on my 30Th Birthday, I decided to call my Dad and try to re-connect with him. One of the first things he asked me was; "Are you still heavy?" Now keep in mind that when he had last seen me, I was at my all time low since being married. I will never have that body back. Since he said that to me...I've always viewed myself as Heavy...and have let myself be Heavy...and I think I decided that he didn't Love me because I was Heavy. his words have never left me. I had a choir director years ago comment about my voice. She didn't do it in a Helpful manner and I've felt self conscious about it ever since. I've decided that I can't sing. Which is so dang sad, cause I LOVE to sing. I want so much to be on the worship team at church but have this huge fear of needing to "audition" for it. All because of words.
Today, I was hit with some BIG words. I was told by someone that I Love so much that:
*I am a very injured person
*I am manipulative
*I am cruel
*I am hateful
Oh, there was a Lot more said than this. Stuff I can't repeat.
I am having a difficult time recovering from this. I was a victim of Physical Abuse as a child. I have scars inside and out. I've had a Step Mom tell me that she wished I was dead....and then proceed to tell me how I could accomplish it. I thought that I had gotten over all of this. Todays words have stoned my heart. I was accused of being a victim to get sympathy. I'm not a victim any longer. I don't want sympathy. Just your prayers that this relationship will someday heal.


Dawn said...

You've got my prayers Pam. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with such hurtful words from people you love. You are a strong, beautiful woman with the sweetest heart and I'm glad you're my friend.

Delena said...

This one time "someone" gave me a subliminal weight loss CD for Christmas. I wanted to chuck it across the room. It hurt me so bad to receive that. I'm sure it was just to help me. I don't think men understand that. You are beautiful! Inside and out! And you have a fabulous voice that NEEDS TO BE HEARD on worship team. I've been waiting for you, anyway. So get to it. We need you!!!! Love ya.

Melissa said...

pam...I'm praying for you. I'm appalled (sp?) that people would tell you such hurtful things. The person who shines through from this blog is NOT any of those things. I wish words didn't hurt so much---or that the hurt wouldn't last so long! Love to you!

Queen Mimi said...

I am so much better this evening. I know that my friends are praying for me. I don't own those words. I am NOT that person and I never was.