I am home from work today nursing a head cold and body aches that came about after a vigorous week being a camp counselor again at Royal Family Kids Camp
Dan and I both volunteered a week of our time to be counselors for kids ages 7-11 who are in Foster care here in Douglas and Chelan counties. Our Church sponsors the camp and there were lots of fun activities planned. Most of which involved climbing up and down hills and some sleepless nights only to get up and do it all over again the next day. Through all the mishaps, splinters and aches and pains (I'm talking the Adults, not the kids) it was a successful week.
I could not help but be taken back to my own childhood when I had been selected by the Salvation Army to go to camp because I myself was in a Foster Home. I can vividly remember many moments from that week at camp. I didn't want to go home.
Today, I am still overwhelmed by the Love and connection I felt for so many of these kids. Even the most taxing child in my cabin tugged on my heart the last day. This one little girl was such a handful for all 3 of us counselors in our cabin. She was throwing fits, yelling, running off from us. Plain Awful! But the last day I watched as she ran past me holding on to her blanket that had been given to her from our church. She ran up to this little boy who we found out was her brother. Sadly, we didn't find out until camp was almost over that they were related. We could have helped ensure they spent some time together. It also would have explained why she was always acting out and running off. Anyhow, she runs up to him and he is trying to get away from her but is smiling. She wraps her blanket and arms around him and starts kissing him all over his face. "I Love you" she said to him. "Yeah, Yeah..I know" he said back to her. I couldn't help myself and gave them both a Huge hug. We held onto each other for several seconds. The little girl then told me that this was her brother and that they don't live together. "I don't get to see him too much" she said to me. I told them both that I knew exactly how they both felt.
I was so surprised to feel an enormous amount of personal pain right then. But it wasn't pain at the thought of my own siblings that were not raised together. but instead was thought of my own brother that I don't get to see or talk to. We are adults now and there is no court system keeping us apart. It's our own stubbornness and heartache. I have had 2 dreams about him since that week at camp. Two dreams where he told me that he loved me and that he missed me and that he was sorry for saying such hurtful things to me. He is not the only one at fault. I just don't see an end in sight for us right now. The dam is too big and the hole is too large to fix. Only prayer and time will help. It's nice to visit him in my dreams. I hope and pray that they will be less painful and my tears will be happy ones soon.
Below is an old photo of my brother and I cropped from one of our first "Reunions".
Once upon a time, in a land not too far away....
There lived a Beautiful Princess who was born on the 9th of May.
Her parents felt so lucky to be Blessed with such a task,
to raise this Precious little girl...for more, they could not ask.
Her hair was dark like Chestnuts,
her eyes were Hazel Brown.
She had skin soft like a porcelin doll,
her cheeks were rosy and round.
From the Very beginning, she caused their hearts to grow.
The Joy she brought into their lives, she will never really know.
Time has come and years have gone,
she's grown up and moved away.
God has sent her across the globe,
But in our hearts, she will always stay.
Today is a day we Celebrate,
the Day God decided to send...
A Beautiful Baby Angel,
that her parents now call JEN!
~We Love you Jennifer Lynn and are Very Proud that you have let God lead you where he needs you. I know it's tough to be apart, especially on special days like this. But what a wonderful time we live in that we can send video, chat on skype and post sappy poems such as this. I pray that your weekend is Special~
Love, Mom
My oldest Foster Sis Wanda has 2 sons. The youngest one Randy Johnson, is the same age as I am. At least once a year, Wanda and her husband Ernie would bring Randy to Washington state to visit family there. Which of course meant staying with her Mom (My Foster Mom) and a visit to to see Randy's cousins Danny and Rhonda. 
This is a picture of an old Polaroid photo, so it's not too good. Randy Johnson is in the back along with Danny. Myself and Rhonda are in the front.
I looked forward to the visits with Rhonda and Danny almost as much as the visit from my foster Sis and her family. Danny and Rhonda only lived about a mile away from us, but it was much different at his house than at mine. At His house...you could actually sit in the living room and they were allowed to eat in there on TV trays. At my house...Not so much. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything for a formal Living room again. But as a kid, they kind of bite.
When I first met Danny, I had a huge crush on him. But he was at an age where he was not interested in a 12 year old little girl. However as time went on, he began to notice me a little more. One of the following Summers, Dan's family and Wanda's family all went camping up at Lake Hemet California, and Randy came back to tell me that Danny liked me and had even carved our names on a water tower there. Now, I've never seen it...and I doubt that the water tower is still there. But I have to tell you that I still think that is Such a Romantic thing for a teenage boy to do. Most of the time though, I was more interested in his Sister Rhonda's horse than I was in Danny. They had animals in their backyard in the middle of the city! I thought it was way cool. Plus, Dan's sister looked up to me and we had a Great time hanging out. I spent the night with her at their house many times. The Summer I was 15, things changed a bit with Dan and I. When I went to their house, I was no longer wanting to hang out with Rhonda, but would much rather hang out with Danny and would try to talk Rhonda into playing a board game like Monopoly with us. After Wanda and her family returned to Washington, Danny continued to come around my house. One day (July 19th 1974) he called my house and my Foster Mom answered. He asked if I was home, and she said no but did he want her to give me a message. Well, he said..I was wondering if she'd like to go to the movies with me tonight. My Mom told him that I'd Love to and that was that. I walked in the door to a very excited family waiting to tell me that I had a date. Like a Car date! Dan arrived on time, came in and shook hand etc. Then we walked out to his (Mom's) car and opened the door for me. I do believe that it's the last car door he opened for me. But I cherish the memory just the same.
I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days. I know that part of it is because I've had this cold. I know that part of it is because Dan is gone all week and our weekends together seem too short and too full of stuff that needs to be done. I just want to put the brakes on my life and Scream "Hold on a Minute!" I think that we've been doing great with this new twist in our lives and have done a good job in balancing it all. But something is missing. I have an emptiness that I can't shake. It occurred to me this morning in the shower...
(My best thoughts are "shower thoughts") Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary...which means that today is April 28th...which means that today would have been Tiff's Birthday! Ah ha!! That's what's wrong. I miss my friend Tiffanie. It's been 5 years since she died from pancreatic cancer. It's been 5 years since Dan and I moved here to Wenatchee. I have tears in my eyes even as I type this. She was such an Amazing friend. She was the kind of friend who you could call at any time and she'd stop what she was doing and come to your rescue. She was the kind of friend who would call YOU to come and rescue her... or to have you go help someone else that she heard about. She was not just a "Sunday Friend" (her phrase) She was the kind of friend that made EVERYONE feel like they were her "Best Friend". She taught me so much. She was a faithful prayer, a reader of God's word, Gardner and Gleaner, a Homemaker and Mother. She had a Beautiful voice and helped me gain confidence to join the worship team and to even sing a solo at church. When she was diagnosed with Cancer, she turned it all over to God. She never stopped to feel sad about it.
"God must have something he needs to teach me" she said. The 3rd and final time the cancer came back she said; "I guess God has more for me to learn."
I told Tiff that maybe it wasn't about her this time; maybe it was about God teaching those who loved her something about him.
I remember once complaining about all that I had to do before my Mother in law was coming for a visit. Between Christmas and work, I was feeling overwhelmed. She kept asking me what she could do to help. “Oh nothing.” I’d say back to her. Finally, she kept bugging me and insisted that she wanted to help. She told me to Make a list and that she would come over to help me get it done. So I gave in and agreed that she could clean out my fridge and straighten up my linen closet. While she was buried deep in my fridge, she stuck her head out and said with a huge grin; “You must really Love me!” What? I said. “You must really Love me to let me do this for you.” Wow…I was blown away. I was so afraid of letting her see my messy house that I almost missed out on this wonderful Double Blessing.
I will never forget that moment, and I will never forget her.
Today I am not just missing the friendship of Tiffanie, but I am missing Friendship. Facebook tells me that I have 133 friends. But I don’t feel like I have the kind of friends that I would call just to chat or meet for coffee. Everyone is so busy right now with Kids and Sports and church activities. I think that if Dan were home more than 2 days a week, I’d be less “friend needy” because he and I are fantastic friends. But I also think that it’s not healthy to expect your spouse to fill that need all the time. If my daughters or other family lived closer, that would help too. But it is what it is. Thank God for Instant messaging, texting and Facebook. I know that this is just a Season for me. It’s just a bump in the road. I feel better just being able to acknowledge what I am going through right now.
I am Thankful for the friends who are there for me, and who will allow me to be there for them.
Pity Party is over….you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.a
This coming Wednesday, April 29th is going to be my 32nd Wedding Anniversary. However, Dan and I have known each other for 38 years. I thought that I would take a few moments and share our early life together here on my Blog. I will update it over the next week or so. What a fun journey this has been…and writing down the memories and reading them myself, makes it even more fun!
When I was about 12 years old, I had moved with my Foster Family from Artesia, California to Chino. This was the equivalent of moving from Seattle to Wenatchee. I often went with my Mom to visit older or sick individuals from our church as she was the Pastor. I think she just didn’t like to go out and about alone, and I enjoyed the 1:1 attention (no surprise huh?) The Duckworth’s had older children who were married and a few had almost grown children themselves. Their oldest daughter Wanda was married to Ernie Johnson and lived in Washington State. (Still does) Wanda’s Mother in law was also named Bertha and lived just about a mile away from where we had moved to. My Foster Mom and I were going to pay a visit to her one sunny summer afternoon. When we arrived, we were greeted by this adorable short woman who was thrilled that we had come by. She offered us a cold drink and I sat down as the two Mother in Laws talked about Kids and Grandkids. While we were sitting there, it was apparent that there was someone mowing the backyard. A little while later, in walks this adorable young boy. He came in to get a drink as he was very warm (despite having no shirt on and wearing shorts) He was a little older than I was and had thick light brown hair and was very tanned. I was a little embarrassed as he was shirtless and I could see the top and bottom of his boxers thru his Levi corduroy cut offs. Yes….I checked him out good! Let’s just say that he had a tan line…and it was more of the male physique than I had ever seen in my short life thus far. This boy’s name was Danny and his Grandmother wanted to be sure and introduce him to me since I was new to the area. He was 14 and also had a younger Sister named Rhonda, who was close to my age. I was swooning and don’t believe that I really paid too much attention at the time to any of what she was telling me. Danny’s Dad Norman was the brother of Wanda’s husband, and this woman was their Mom. My oldest foster Sister Wanda was Danny's Aunt! It didn’t make us cousins or anything, but because we were now “Family” our paths were destined to cross on several occasions over the next few years.
The Leader of my Monday night Weight Watcher Group has a great habit of cute little quotes intended to inspire us. Most of the time I think that they are kind of corny, but a couple of weeks ago she said something that really stuck with me. “The Rear View Mirror is Smaller for a Reason.” She talked about how we need to look thru the front windshield in order to see where we’re going and not to focus on where we've been. I thought it made sense, but not in regards to weight loss. I was thinking that I Wanted to look back and Remember how much I’ve lost (35 pounds) and not focus on how much I have to lose (94?!) At my last meeting, she mentioned it again. But this time, it was at a meeting where I had ‘Gained’ a little (0.6 pounds) LOL. Her quote made more sense to me this time. I needed to look ahead at what I can DO this week and in the weeks ahead to continue my successful journey.
After I got home, I thought a little more about the whole Rear view Mirror thing. In Life, (mine in particular) we can spend too much time dwelling on things that happened. We can get Stuck there and not move on. If I’m driving and keep looking back in my rear view mirror every few minutes….I’m going to run into something or miss my turn!
I think that God wants us to do the same thing. He wants us to forget about our past (He has) and to move forward looking ahead. When Dan and I went through Rick Warren's’s Purpose Driven Life, I learned one of my now favorite Bible Verses: Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version)
11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
It is a reminder to focus on the PRIZE, and not Dwell on our past defeats. We must not put too much value on our past accomplishments either, but continue to strive towards our Goal. I know that when I get to Heaven….I will have a perfect body. But in the meantime, I’m going to work like nobody’s business to get it done while I’m here.
I was driving home last night and changing the channels on my car radio looking for a song I knew and could sing to. But instead of stopping on a song for some reason, I stopped on an obscure channel with some guy from the south preaching. It was a fascinating story really. He started out like he was going to speak about Patience and then began to talk about Jesus when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. This immediately brought back a memory of me being a child sitting in church on a Sunday evening. I was so tired and pretending to be praying in my seat with my head bowed and eyes closed, when in reality I was just resting my eyes and waiting for church to be over so we could make the hour long drive home. A few weeks later, I learned the story about Jesus in the garden with his disciples. They were supposed to be praying, and they all fell asleep. I was overcome with guilt and from then on, even if I was only praying “Jesus, please help me stay awake.” I never faked it like that again. I wanted to be a better person. To be a prayer warrior like my foster Mom. She was Amazing at it. She could walk through the house holding her Bible and praying out loud for people. Some who had maybe called her and had a prayer request, or just others that God had put on her heart.
Anyway, this guy is talking about how Jesus was betrayed by a Kiss from Peter. He’d told the soldiers that the person he went up to and kissed would be Jesus. The other disciples asked Jesus if they should draw arms and right then Peter takes his sword out and cuts off the ear of one the men there….a Servant! He was just pretending to be defending Jesus to look good I guess. The best part of the whole story though, was how Jesus reached out and touched this guy’s ear and made it whole again. It was his last act of healing before he died. I hadn’t remembered this part of the story before. I was sitting in the parking lot of La Fuentes by now waiting for Dan to meet me and didn’t want to turn my radio off.
It really got me thinking of how right up to the end, Jesus showed Grace and Compassion. How Peter who said that he would be with Jesus until the end could turn on him and pretend to be defending him. I really want to be more like Jesus. In everything I say and do. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to be Gracious and Compassionate. I don’t want to be a Peter. I want to give 100% to what is important to me, whether it’s my weight loss, my friendships, family relationships, or my work. I know that the New Year is well under way and that I’ve already made and started my Resolutions. But I just needed to convince myself that I can finish them.
