It's Time for me to post here again. It's time for me to worry less about what I Shouldn't say, and focus on what I Need to say. I think that I speak my mind too much so have been working on speaking less. I just need to speak with purpose, and kindness and Love. It's time for me to write my Story and to share it. I stopped writing for many reasons. Some was because it's painful to share hurts. It's painful to Me to see my hurts in writing. I recalled another fond childhood memory the other day. Writing will help with that as well. I stopped writing because I didn't want my daughters and others who I care about, know the pains I endured. I don't want people (especially my daughters) to have different feelings towards me or my past. I'm concerned about those who hurt me reading things and becoming angry and only hurting me more. So I stopped. But the planning of this years Spring Women's Retreat has prompted my heart to start again.
in fact, I'm going to start by sharing and speaking at this years retreat. Our theme is: "Trusting his Word...a Novel idea" It will focus on Book/Novel themes and of course the Bible. If I was to write my life story in a perfect Fiction way, how would I have written it? How would you have written yours? But the bottom line is, it wasn't my story to write...at least not then. But it is now. It's time.
I mentioned a few weeks ago about how I Love to sing. I am always thinking in Song. I make up songs, make up tunes whatever. Some are my words to other tunes, some are out of tune songs in my head. I have a song in my head today that is one of those "made up songs" by me. I wrote this song when I was about 16 years old and so On Fire for the Lord. I was handing out Tracts, Knocking on doors. Loving God and praying that the Rapture wouldn't happen until I'd asked forgivness for my sins at least one more time.
I just recently become the proud new Mommy of a 1974 VW Super Bug. It's made me a bit nostalgic for when I lived with my Foster Parents and my Dad Cash (that's his name) owned a little red bug. My Sister Linda and I would Love to borrow it and take it on as many errands as we could. This always involved "cruising" around the High School or up and down Central Avenue in Chino Ca. On more than one occasion, we left Sunday evening service in LA area early after telling my Mom Bertha (that was HER name)that we had to get up early for school the next day. Lies...all of it. We just wanted to go cruising up and down Sunset Blvd. Anyhoo..fond memories.
I don't know music notes from Adam...but here are the words to the song:
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING TO THE SUNLIGHT OF HIS LOVE,
AND IN MY HEART THERE IS A JOY FELT FROM ABOVE.
HE GOES WITH ME RIGHT THROUGH EACH DAY,
AND KEEPS ME SINGING ALONG THE WAY.
I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU HOW I FEEL!
ChorusOH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
OH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
I'M TELLING YOU THE STORY OF A MAN WHO DIED FOR YOU.
WHO GAVE HIS LIFE TO SHARE A LOVE THAT'S OH SO TRUE.
WHY DON'T YOU COME TO CHRIST TODAY,
AND LET HIM WASH YOUR SINS AWAY?
OH THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING NEW!
ChorusOH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
OH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
NOW YOU WILL WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH THE SUNLIGHT OF HIS LOVE,
AND IN YOUR HEART THERE IS A JOY SENT FROM ABOVE!
HE'LL GO WITH YOU RIGHT THROUGH EACH DAY,
AND KEEP YOU SINGING ALONG THE WAY
NOW YOU CAN TELL THE WORLD JUST HOW IT FEELS!
ChorusOH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
OH SWEET JESUS, HE'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE.
When I was about 13 years old, I used to help lead songs at my Foster Mom’s church. I’d sing sometimes with my Foster Sister Linda on Special Occasions also. We even had a few other young people from our church who sang in a little ensemble from time to time. I would listen to my Mom or Sister sing Harmony to these old Hymns and I would try to copy them. I just loved to sing! I never paid much attention to how I sounded until one day when one of my older foster brothers came over to our house and heard me singing. “You sound like this gal from my high school who sang with me in Bye-Bye Birdie.” He said.
I thought it was a compliment at first. But then he went on to imitate my singing and described it as “Warbled” he said I sounded like a Canary. Geeze! Don’t Canaries sing good??
I was devastated. I didn’t stop singing, but I sure became more self conscious about it. I didn’t sign up to sing in any Choirs in school until I was a senior and my new BFF encouraged me to change my schedule and be in choir with her. I agreed and we went during lunch to have the teacher initial my request for the office.
I was in such angst when I realized that I was going to have to audition right there for this teacher I didn’t even know. I think I sang God Bless America cause it’s the only song I knew by heart. He didn’t bat an eye, said I was an Alto and off I went. This choir was not just the High School Choir; it was “The” Madrigal Choir.
We didn’t wear robes, but ordered special matching dresses and attended competitions even! I had a blast in that Choir. It was one of the highlights of my Senior Year.
It gave me back the joy of singing I remembered. Much to the disdain of my girls I often think, I pretty much sang my way thru the next few years of my life. I would make up different words to old songs. When they got older, we would go to Karaoke with our friends on the weekends and I even entered a competition at our local hang out and made it to be one of the semi-finalist. I have lots of fond memories even of taking our girls to “Family” Karaoke on Sundays.
Once we started attending church on a regular basis in Snohomish, I joined the choir there. We sang most every Sunday and the only problem I encountered is that I didn’t read music. Eventually our church grew and we established a worship team.
I really wanted to do be a part of it. I finally got the courage to talk to our pastor’s wife about it and was told that I had to meet with her and sing for her. Ugh…Gulp…. I didn’t think I could go through with it, but I did. She had me sing one of my favorite Worship songs with her and I sang the harmony. That was it…I was in! I had the best time. I was able to lead worship, and then go teach my Pre-school Sunday School class as soon as that part of service was over. Soon I got brave enough, and even was doing duets with my friends and even once sang a solo for special music. Music and singing were once again a big part of my life. I had found my purpose at SFA.
Fast forward 5 years later and here I am at a different church sitting in the pew on Sunday morning wishing I was up front on the worship team. I remember the first choir practice I drug myself to. Everybody was so good! They ALL seemed to know how to read music. I couldn’t tell you what an F sharp or B flat look like or sound like. I just know how to “hear” the harmony or melody. I almost never went back. But there was this precious gal who wanted me to join “Mommy and Me” and I had to tell her I didn’t have any kids calling me Mommy anymore! She was my new BFF and I was willing to do anything in order to spend more time with her and get to know her better. I miss our days of choir. I wished so much that WFA had a choir that would sing once in awhile. All there is left to sing with is the Worship team. But that being said, I have let my fears of not being good enough, or thin enough keep me sitting there looking on. I have had encouragement from a few friends telling me to just do it and join the worship team. I keep waiting until everything is "Just Right". I keep hearing a voice in my head say that I’m not good enough or thin enough to stand up there. I don't really believe these things. I know that God made me who I am and that God has promised to give me the desires of my heart. I desire to sing, to worship and to praise him. I will never Be Good Enough or Thin Enough for some people...But I am Perfect In God's Eyes. I feel the time is near.
I am home from work today nursing a head cold and body aches that came about after a vigorous week being a camp counselor again at Royal Family Kids Camp
Dan and I both volunteered a week of our time to be counselors for kids ages 7-11 who are in Foster care here in Douglas and Chelan counties. Our Church sponsors the camp and there were lots of fun activities planned. Most of which involved climbing up and down hills and some sleepless nights only to get up and do it all over again the next day. Through all the mishaps, splinters and aches and pains (I'm talking the Adults, not the kids) it was a successful week.
I could not help but be taken back to my own childhood when I had been selected by the Salvation Army to go to camp because I myself was in a Foster Home. I can vividly remember many moments from that week at camp. I didn't want to go home.
Today, I am still overwhelmed by the Love and connection I felt for so many of these kids. Even the most taxing child in my cabin tugged on my heart the last day. This one little girl was such a handful for all 3 of us counselors in our cabin. She was throwing fits, yelling, running off from us. Plain Awful! But the last day I watched as she ran past me holding on to her blanket that had been given to her from our church. She ran up to this little boy who we found out was her brother. Sadly, we didn't find out until camp was almost over that they were related. We could have helped ensure they spent some time together. It also would have explained why she was always acting out and running off. Anyhow, she runs up to him and he is trying to get away from her but is smiling. She wraps her blanket and arms around him and starts kissing him all over his face. "I Love you" she said to him. "Yeah, Yeah..I know" he said back to her. I couldn't help myself and gave them both a Huge hug. We held onto each other for several seconds. The little girl then told me that this was her brother and that they don't live together. "I don't get to see him too much" she said to me. I told them both that I knew exactly how they both felt.
I was so surprised to feel an enormous amount of personal pain right then. But it wasn't pain at the thought of my own siblings that were not raised together. but instead was thought of my own brother that I don't get to see or talk to. We are adults now and there is no court system keeping us apart. It's our own stubbornness and heartache. I have had 2 dreams about him since that week at camp. Two dreams where he told me that he loved me and that he missed me and that he was sorry for saying such hurtful things to me. He is not the only one at fault. I just don't see an end in sight for us right now. The dam is too big and the hole is too large to fix. Only prayer and time will help. It's nice to visit him in my dreams. I hope and pray that they will be less painful and my tears will be happy ones soon.
Below is an old photo of my brother and I cropped from one of our first "Reunions".
Once upon a time, in a land not too far away....
There lived a Beautiful Princess who was born on the 9th of May.
Her parents felt so lucky to be Blessed with such a task,
to raise this Precious little girl...for more, they could not ask.
Her hair was dark like Chestnuts,
her eyes were Hazel Brown.
She had skin soft like a porcelin doll,
her cheeks were rosy and round.
From the Very beginning, she caused their hearts to grow.
The Joy she brought into their lives, she will never really know.
Time has come and years have gone,
she's grown up and moved away.
God has sent her across the globe,
But in our hearts, she will always stay.
Today is a day we Celebrate,
the Day God decided to send...
A Beautiful Baby Angel,
that her parents now call JEN!
~We Love you Jennifer Lynn and are Very Proud that you have let God lead you where he needs you. I know it's tough to be apart, especially on special days like this. But what a wonderful time we live in that we can send video, chat on skype and post sappy poems such as this. I pray that your weekend is Special~
Love, Mom
My oldest Foster Sis Wanda has 2 sons. The youngest one Randy Johnson, is the same age as I am. At least once a year, Wanda and her husband Ernie would bring Randy to Washington state to visit family there. Which of course meant staying with her Mom (My Foster Mom) and a visit to to see Randy's cousins Danny and Rhonda. 
This is a picture of an old Polaroid photo, so it's not too good. Randy Johnson is in the back along with Danny. Myself and Rhonda are in the front.
I looked forward to the visits with Rhonda and Danny almost as much as the visit from my foster Sis and her family. Danny and Rhonda only lived about a mile away from us, but it was much different at his house than at mine. At His house...you could actually sit in the living room and they were allowed to eat in there on TV trays. At my house...Not so much. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything for a formal Living room again. But as a kid, they kind of bite.
When I first met Danny, I had a huge crush on him. But he was at an age where he was not interested in a 12 year old little girl. However as time went on, he began to notice me a little more. One of the following Summers, Dan's family and Wanda's family all went camping up at Lake Hemet California, and Randy came back to tell me that Danny liked me and had even carved our names on a water tower there. Now, I've never seen it...and I doubt that the water tower is still there. But I have to tell you that I still think that is Such a Romantic thing for a teenage boy to do. Most of the time though, I was more interested in his Sister Rhonda's horse than I was in Danny. They had animals in their backyard in the middle of the city! I thought it was way cool. Plus, Dan's sister looked up to me and we had a Great time hanging out. I spent the night with her at their house many times. The Summer I was 15, things changed a bit with Dan and I. When I went to their house, I was no longer wanting to hang out with Rhonda, but would much rather hang out with Danny and would try to talk Rhonda into playing a board game like Monopoly with us. After Wanda and her family returned to Washington, Danny continued to come around my house. One day (July 19th 1974) he called my house and my Foster Mom answered. He asked if I was home, and she said no but did he want her to give me a message. Well, he said..I was wondering if she'd like to go to the movies with me tonight. My Mom told him that I'd Love to and that was that. I walked in the door to a very excited family waiting to tell me that I had a date. Like a Car date! Dan arrived on time, came in and shook hand etc. Then we walked out to his (Mom's) car and opened the door for me. I do believe that it's the last car door he opened for me. But I cherish the memory just the same.
I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days. I know that part of it is because I've had this cold. I know that part of it is because Dan is gone all week and our weekends together seem too short and too full of stuff that needs to be done. I just want to put the brakes on my life and Scream "Hold on a Minute!" I think that we've been doing great with this new twist in our lives and have done a good job in balancing it all. But something is missing. I have an emptiness that I can't shake. It occurred to me this morning in the shower...
(My best thoughts are "shower thoughts") Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary...which means that today is April 28th...which means that today would have been Tiff's Birthday! Ah ha!! That's what's wrong. I miss my friend Tiffanie. It's been 5 years since she died from pancreatic cancer. It's been 5 years since Dan and I moved here to Wenatchee. I have tears in my eyes even as I type this. She was such an Amazing friend. She was the kind of friend who you could call at any time and she'd stop what she was doing and come to your rescue. She was the kind of friend who would call YOU to come and rescue her... or to have you go help someone else that she heard about. She was not just a "Sunday Friend" (her phrase) She was the kind of friend that made EVERYONE feel like they were her "Best Friend". She taught me so much. She was a faithful prayer, a reader of God's word, Gardner and Gleaner, a Homemaker and Mother. She had a Beautiful voice and helped me gain confidence to join the worship team and to even sing a solo at church. When she was diagnosed with Cancer, she turned it all over to God. She never stopped to feel sad about it.
"God must have something he needs to teach me" she said. The 3rd and final time the cancer came back she said; "I guess God has more for me to learn."
I told Tiff that maybe it wasn't about her this time; maybe it was about God teaching those who loved her something about him.
I remember once complaining about all that I had to do before my Mother in law was coming for a visit. Between Christmas and work, I was feeling overwhelmed. She kept asking me what she could do to help. “Oh nothing.” I’d say back to her. Finally, she kept bugging me and insisted that she wanted to help. She told me to Make a list and that she would come over to help me get it done. So I gave in and agreed that she could clean out my fridge and straighten up my linen closet. While she was buried deep in my fridge, she stuck her head out and said with a huge grin; “You must really Love me!” What? I said. “You must really Love me to let me do this for you.” Wow…I was blown away. I was so afraid of letting her see my messy house that I almost missed out on this wonderful Double Blessing.
I will never forget that moment, and I will never forget her.
Today I am not just missing the friendship of Tiffanie, but I am missing Friendship. Facebook tells me that I have 133 friends. But I don’t feel like I have the kind of friends that I would call just to chat or meet for coffee. Everyone is so busy right now with Kids and Sports and church activities. I think that if Dan were home more than 2 days a week, I’d be less “friend needy” because he and I are fantastic friends. But I also think that it’s not healthy to expect your spouse to fill that need all the time. If my daughters or other family lived closer, that would help too. But it is what it is. Thank God for Instant messaging, texting and Facebook. I know that this is just a Season for me. It’s just a bump in the road. I feel better just being able to acknowledge what I am going through right now.
I am Thankful for the friends who are there for me, and who will allow me to be there for them.
Pity Party is over….you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.a
