Friday, August 1, 2008

RESTLESS

I had a very tough nights sleep. No not because the little guy was up sick again. I just had too much on my mind. I had shared with a few of you how Dan and I were counselors for a week at a Royal Family Kids Camp in June. It's a camp for Foster kids. Anyhow, I was a Foster Kid my whole childhood just about. I really felt that I had something to offer and was suprised to find out how much I really took away. I shared briefly with the kids that I also was a Foster child and that I knew a little of how they felt. When I got back, I visited the website of RFKC and ordered their free book "Memories Matter". During the interview process for Camp, one of the Questions I was asked was "What kind of Memories will you share?" I was really taken aback by this one. I couldn't think of ANY memories worth sharing and then said "Well only the Good ones!" This was the correct answer I suppose and I was selected. But it got me thinking. I don't really have any fun fond childhood memories. I started to sit down and write down what I could remember and have decided to put it out there one day for my kids to read. They have always asked for it, but I want to protect them so I had not. But I got to thinking of how I'm not really ashamed of my Life. My life and all it's steps were ordained by God. He was with me thru all the Bad things and all the fun things (There ARE a few moments)
Anyhow, after I got the book fro RFKC, I e-mailed them about how I appreciated their quick response. I also mentined to them how I had been a Foster kids and that Dan and I had just been at camp and how blessed we were. I got several e-mails back thanking me for my time at camp, and also for Sharing my story. Then I got another e-mail 2 weeks ago asking if they could share my testimony in their Newsletter. I agreed without even giving it much thought and have been working thru some questions they sent me. I have been kind of excited about this whole thing as it seemd like confirmation to me that I SHOULD write my Story, and share it. I don't expect to make any big bucks if it's published. But if it helps even one person to get thru what they are going thru and see that God's Grace is Enough to get you thru it...then It's a Good thing. So...(sorry so long) I share this exciting news with some co-workers and my family. When I say family, I mean my Birth Mom and all my siblings. We are all now connected and keep in touch on an almost daily basis thru group e-mails, Myspace and Instant Messaging. (What an amazing thing huh?)
I was so hurt and suprised to get an Instant Message from my Mom yesterday basically asking me "How could I" etc. How could I put this out there for the whole world to see. She also commented on a blog I posted on Myspace back in Feb. About how I told her "I didn't know how to be a daughter anymore than she knew how to be a Mom" I didn't say it to hurt her, but to explain that we don't come with instruction books. At the time I said it (to her) I knew she was upset and didn't understand what I meant by saying it. I was trying to let her know that "it's ok..she did the best she could" Just like me. I posted a blog about it and she commented at the time. I'm just not sure why she is briging it up again now. It's crazy. I did not have a typical Mother/Daughter relationship with ANYONE. My Foster Mom Loved me. I know she did. But the best thing she did was to tell me that God Loved me and that HE would be My Mother, My Father, My Sister and my Brother. The fact that I have since met ALL of them...is just a bonus, like dessert. You can live without dessert, but it sure makes life nicer. I wish My Mom Alice understood that and was not hurt. It's too late, the damage is done and I now need an Alice Break. I needed her to be excited for me and what I've overcome and what I'm about to do. This article is not a big deal to anyone but me. I have no reason even to be Proud about it. But I am proud that I recognize God's hand over my Life and that I am Loved. Thaks for visiting.

7 comments:

Dawn said...

(hugs) Pam...the more I learn about you...the more I respect and admire you. I would love to read your story after your finished with it.

Chad the Chicken said...

Just get published and I'll be your royalties manager.

Elizabeth said...

I know mom was excited about your camp adventures and the chance to share, because she told me she was. But I must admit I was taken aback myself when I read your email and saw that you had included mom. The first thing I thought was "Did she really just send that to mom???" The part about the camp was fine, but the going on and on about how wonderful the Duckworths were, HAD to hurt her a little bit. No matter how true it was. I try never to talk about the "good times" with my adopted mom in front of Alice, and vice versa, just out of respect for both of them. Please don't take this as me siding with her, because that's not the case. I just wanted you to know I understand where she might be coming from, and suggest that maybe you should leave her out of the emails where you talk about your feelings for the Duckworths. She knows you love them and she is happy they gave you a wonderful life. But just try to be a little more sensitive next time, okay? Love you!!!!
lizzie

Queen Mimi said...

It's hard for me to grasp that I need to not talk about any Good parts of my childhood. You see...I don't really have ANY that don't include my wonderful Foster Parents. All the other memories focus on People who either didn't want me, or abused me. If I knew that someone else Loved my Kids and kept them safe, protected and best of all...told them about a Jesus they never knew...well, I think I'd be very pleased that there was that someone there for them. I WANT to know about my daughters "Good times" and I also want to know their sorrows so that I can comfort them. It's what Mom's do.

Chad the Chicken said...

Pam, you are the most incredible person I've ever known. Whoever this Lizzy is, is very out of place and was very disrespectful to you in the post above. To Lizzy, from Me: Pam IS a very sensitvie person and the most loving person ever. She always talks highly of her family. YOU need to be more sensitive next time.

Lila Tueller said...

I don't know you at all, but your story is one that has moved me! I think you should be free to speak about your life...all of it. Your birth mom is bound to have regrets, and feel some hurt, but that is just going to happen because of the choices she made. There's no way you can always walk around on pins and needles so as to spare her any grief. I support your decision to publish your story, especially if it is healing for you, and if it can help others!

Good luck to you, and God bless you!

Lila

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