Sunday, September 14, 2008

LONG WINDED...SO SORRY BUT I JUST HAD TO WRITE IT

Where do I even start? Last Jan we had our annual family reunion in Vegas with my Birth Mom and siblings. The Vegas reunions are not always the Best Venue to try and get a group of siblings that didn't grow up together to get to know each other. However, I have tried to address this with my Birth Mom Alice in the past and it has always led to her feelings being hurt. So then we kiss and make up (Cyber e-mail style) and I am so desperate to be Loved that I ignore my pain and trudge on. This last reunion I barely walk in and I'm eating a burger that my brother and I got at the drive thru (In N Out) and she asks me "Are you ok?" She ALWAYS ask me that. (it's like she wants to know that I'm ok so that she can feel ok) It ends up ME reassuring her that I'm ok and she's ok and we are just a happy hunky dory famiy. I just want to pretend that it's ok....don't keep asking me or I'm liable to be honest...and she doesn't like my honesty. Anyhow...she had a pouting moment about me not telling her what was wrong...and at some point of the conversation I said to her "We're fine Alice. I don't know how to be a daughter any more than you know how to be a Mother." It was me being honest and trying to let her know that I'm ok with how things are. It is what it is. She was hurt and asked me to Stop and leave the room. I felt bad right away because it was apparant that she didn't understand that I was giving her a "get out of jail free card" I don't expect more from her. This is as good as it gets. It's a bonus to me and I was ok with it.
I blogged about it on Myspace a week or so later. My Sister Liz's boyfriend had been a little too comfortable razzing me and picking on me like he was a brother of mine for the past 49 years. I held my tongue, had a good time and let it go. When I said my goodbyes, I even hugged him. It wasn't until after I was home that I learned how my Sister and him were braggin about how they really let me have it "They showed me" So I was hurt....and disappointed. I blogged about being both a dissapointment to others vs being disappointed By others. It's a blog. Not an e-mail to anyone in particutlar. My Sister Liz commented on my blog even.
All was fine and I just have been flying under the radar with all of my Family until I did this Camp thing. They wanted to do an article on me because I was a foster kid being a counselor to foster kids. A good story about how I turned out ok. How these kids can turn out ok. But....Because I mentioned my Foster Mom and how much I loved her...My Mom had a shit coniption fit. She messaged me about how could I blog about such a personal thing...how could I tell everyone...I need to know that she reads these things too....it's not her fault...she loved me and that's all she can do....she's done her best etc etc. I was flabbergasted that she would bring up a blog from over 6 months ago. But the more I thought about it...I realized that it was because I mentioned my Foster Mom. My sister Liz(with the boyfriend who hates me) even commented on my Blog that I should have not went on and on about my Foster Mom. How I need to not say any good things that have happened to me so as to not offend my Birth Mom.
I was hurt beyond words and decided to take an Alice BREAK. This break has just gotten out of hand. Alice just wrote a Myspace blog (keep in mind that I've written NOTHING bad about her EVER) I can't think of a time that I EVER said anything bad about her to ANYONE. I am private about it. I didn't even answer the questions from the camp for a long time as I wanted to protect Alice and be selective of the words I used.

Didn't matter to her. Didn't matter to her that I NEVER not one time asked her WHY she left me and didn't fight for me. Not ONE time did I ever ask her why she never got ahold of me from the time I was an adult and she could (she had a relationship with Liz and Patty for 8 years before Kenny came along and we all met) I feel that if it were not for my brother Kenny...she Still would not have anything to do with me. It was about another year before we learned of my Siste Kim. Another year of lies. She was not strong enough or confident enough. But "I" was to be strong enough and confident enough to let all these people in my life. I was to never question Alice about anything. From the first day I met her I discovered that I needed to reassure this Woman and let her know that she was loved. I had to instantly make a decision to Love her all the while not 100% sure if she loved me or was just going thru the motions to ease her guilt. It didn't matter to me. I could have backed out of this relationship with her and the rest of my siblings, but I didn't. I continued with this relationship and gave as much as I could. You see...I didn't have much of a Rosy time growing up myself. I knew that Mrs. Duckworth Loved me and that Jesus Loved me. But that was at age 12. Before then...it was a living Hell to be Pamela Kay Gaughenbaugh. The childhood I had has led to insecurities and self doubt, and hurt and feeling Alone, ugly and unwanted.
But I've come out on top despite it all. I've NEVER placed blame on my circumstances either.
So my Mom posted her OWN blog on Myspace and my Sister Liz Responded..here it is:
(Since my Sister Liz posted her comment to my Mom...my Mom deleted it, but NOT before I was able to read it)
Saturday, September 13, 2008

My words were "you hurt me" and you deleted me ?? Cold!
Current mood: blessed
Category: Romance and Relationships

My words were " are you Ok"" your resonse was to get in my face and shout "of course I am, thats insulting". 'Why would you ask if I'm ok".
My words were "thats what moms do?"
Your response " you dont know how to be a mom any more then I know how to be a daughter" I didnt get the manual".
Hurt extreme and deep. I can say I love you and my ententions are always good and loving. Doesnt seem to matter.
Your willingness to delete me from your life almost completely strikes me as cold and cruel on many levels.
You probably wont hear these words, because you've deleted me. No matter. they need to be written.
I never "agreed" it was best to give you up.
Never. I wasn't given a choice. They didnt have sysytems for abused moms back then.
You were ripped from my arms, both of us screaming. All the while I was being pummled about the face and in sheer terror.
I was locked in a room while your grandparents came to drive you away.
I was dropped off downtown with three dollars in my pocket.
Every teenage decision I made from then on only solidified my loss. In the end they convinced me it was for the better.Not that I had a choice,they didnt give children to teenagers back then.
You learned nothing about the Love of christ and his forgiveness and tolerance.
You're a cruel woman who wouldnt allow your mom to ask "are you ok"?
Who said almost proudly, "even my daughters knew better then to ask me that". SICK!!!
Then to cap it off, you decided to share it all with the world and all your work and church friends.
Saying I had objected to your volunteer work ??? hello
I told you I was proud of that. I was. What happened between us had nothing to do with that.
Its Ok. I can handle it now. Take your break. Dont hurt anyone else.
Try to be happy without pretending.
You have a good family and a great man.
Im glad about that and yes I do love you.
Doesnt matter does it? I feel safer this way.
Jesus and I forgive you. You need to work on that.
8:39 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment -


ღஜDizzie Lizzieஜღ

Glad you wrote this down. It helps to write it out.

I understand your pain and frustration. She constantly demands affirmation of our love, yet is not willing to give any affirmation of her love to us. Ever. !

She acted like a spoiled demanding and extremely rude brat in Vegas, showing absolutly no respect to the man I love. And then made me out to be the bad guy when I didn't stick up for her when she got in his face and he stood up to her. As if she would stick up for me, if I was being rude and disrespectful to Dan??? I don't think so!

I tried to NICELY tell her that she needed to understand that you were hurt and why, and to put herself in your shoes. I told her I wasn't upset at her or anything. I was just looking from the outside and could see both sides. In response, her friend basically told me off...her "Christian" friend (choke)...Bnd did she say "Hey that's my sister you're talking about!"? Of course not! Because it's all about her. We need to defend her. We need to love her. We need to lavish her with affection and attention. But she doesn't have to do anything. And if we don't do these things, she becomes the poor wounded child, and we are the monsters.

I personally stopped having one-sided relationships the day I left Lynden. They are draining, unfulfilling, and like pouring acid on your self-esteem. I have no intentions of ever having one again. I love her and I'm here whenever she wants to "share" a relationship with me.

We all made bad mistakes and choices when we were young. None of us can go back a change anything. The only thing that matters is who we are today. And you are a wonderful, loving mom. I can't imagine my life without you now.

I LOVE YOU TONS!!!!

Posted by ღஜDizzie Lizzieஜღ on Sep 13, 2008 10:39 AM
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ღஜDizzie Lizzieஜღ

I guess I got a little carried away. Once I started typing I just couldn't stop running at the "fingers". ha ha ...You can delete my comment if you want! :D

Posted by ღஜDizzie Lizzieஜღ on Sep 13, 2008 11:29 AM
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As far as my Sister Liz and her boyfriend...I never Yelled at her or her boyfriend. I never got in anyones face. I was not rude. I never yelled at my Mom either. It's not my style.
So..there you have it.



Oh there IS one more thing. My daughter Melissa was hurt my my Mom's blog and she sent my Mom a comment. My Mom deleted her from being her friend on Myspace. She deleted Dan and HE never said Anything!!

3 comments:

Dawn said...

(Hugs) Pam...I'm sorry. It sounds like a really tough situation. I have no words other than I love you and I'm praying for you.

Ryan said...

I just finished reading your last few blogs at an internet cafe. They make me so sad for so many reasons. I do love how honest you are about EVERYTHING. I love and miss you so much. Can I call you today while you drink coffee in your pj's? That would be the next best thing to being there with you in mine. :) Here's a hug! Love, Jen

Melissa said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think you're handling it beautifully.